This is EXACTLY Why People Hate Successful, Healthy, and Happy People
Last year, I had a conversation with a friend of mine – Sol – who went from being over 300 pounds, to now being in fitness model shape, and I was intrigued (and saddened) by one thing he told me.
He said that as soon as he started getting healthier, the most surprising thing happened: at first, his friends and family cheered him on.
“You’re looking great dude!! Keep it up, that’s amazing. You deserve it.”
But once he started to look really good, once he got under 220 pounds (still a big guy for his height) people started acting differently.
Suddenly, friends and family told him to start eating more because they were worried about him.
Worried?
He was still 220 pounds, and he wanted to be 180 pounds. He knew he was still at an unhealthy weight. And the people that once supported him and congratulated him now told him he was looking sickly.
For a while he couldn’t shake the feeling and it puzzled him why anyone would do that. But actually he had a really important realization: he got a first-class lesson in something I call the “bystander effect.”
Why Everyone Will Hate You For Being Successful, Healthy, and Happy – The Bystander Effect 101
It goes without saying: anything you want to do that’s contrary to the “norm” will encounter resistance from other people.
Whether you want to be more successful, whether you want to be happier and healthier, or whether you want to start taking more vacations – even your close friends and family will envy you.
And the sad truth is that by becoming successful, most people will hate you – even if they don’t say it. Even your family and friends will resent you.
The bystander effect is what happens when OTHER people watch YOU go after the dream… while they let their own dream wither and die.
People hate you for being healthy, because the average person KNOWS he or she needs to be healthier.
They have the same fear of dying young that you do, they have the same fear of missing out on life that you do, and they have the same desire to look and feel amazing – to extend their life, without having a constant low level of fear and anxiety in the back of their mind.
The difference is that you are taking steps to make that a reality, whereas the average person is consumed with fear or frustration. The little roadblocks become big roadblocks to them.
How People Will Try to Sabotage You
The ways people try to sabotage others are hilarious to me.
Most people won’t flat out say they envy you or are jealous (obviously), but they’ll say things like:
“Oh come on, it’s just a cookie, live a little.”
And it’s funny to me because it’s almost a passive aggressive way of encouraging someone else to fail, so they can feel better about themselves.
It’s like the old saying – there are two ways to build the tallest building in town: Build a taller building, or tear down all the other buildings around it. The majority of people would rather tear you down, so they feel a bit better about themselves, than just step up their game and show up in a more awesome way.
But I know YOU want something bigger from life. You want to be that 1% success story – you want to be the outlier, you want to be the person that others look to for inspiration. And you can.
Then there’s the sugar pusher:
After pushing the cookies into your face, she asks, “Want some cookies?”
Seriously?
Damn, couldn’t you have asked me that from across the room?
It’s more subtle pressure than someone flat out commenting on your appearance, or on your level of success.
But my point is the same: this kind of pressure is everywhere. And if you aren’t careful, you can really let it get to you.
How to Approach Bystanders
First… empathy.
Understand that largely, the people that hate on others are deeply unhappy with that aspect of their lives.
Ever notice how it’s the poorest friend hating on rich people?
Or the person who wants to get healthier that hates on the fit girl?
Or the girl who always has dysfunctional relationships that’s hating on love?
Yeah, it makes sense, right?
Understand that with the average person (or even friend or family member), they’ll try to sabotage you when you have something they want.
Personally, I view this as the point where that internal fortitude comes in.
This is where YOU being obsessed with your dream comes in.
EVERYONE, even many of the people you love, will try to take it from you. It reminds them of their own dissatisfaction with their health, and honestly, their life.
So you have to be strong, and be a role model not only for yourself, but for others.
Think of it like this: people are going to hate you for something, why not have them hate you for living an incredible life?
Your Tiny Habit For Today
The takeaway for you today is simple.
Once you get closer to the health you want, the body you want and the life you want – people will get jealous.
And that often includes your friends, family, and other people.
And sometimes you’ll lose friends over it. People will resent you. Some will try to sabotage you by offering up “suggestions” on what you should or shouldn’t do.
Do this.
Stop doing that.
Ignore all of them.
And then just keep plugging away towards the dream.
– Alex
What has someone said to you to try and discourage or sabotage you? Share below.
I’ve done a lot of research on human behavior. Excellent article, and sadly, right on target. Keep moving forward, and God bless.
Thank you…
Thanks Maria 🙂
I can totally relate to your friend in the beginning. Since i’ve started workint out regularly, i’ve had mean, rude comments from my… closest friends ! This is very ironical, because they were supposed to motivate me and push me to my next level whenever I didn’t feel like exercicing. They did at first, and then, when I started taking my exercicing planner and weight loss programm seriously, they started being resentful, envious. I then decided to ignore their scornful comments and get on with my life because honestly, life is too short and this kind of insecure people are not allowed in it. Thank you though for this very interesting (& uplifting) article ! Really useful stuff that i’m going to use from now on whenever people give me dirty looks… haha
It’s scary, huh? What did your friends specifically say to you?
I needed this today. I’ve recently been progressing in major ways toward a healthier lifestyle, promotions at work, higher pay, and more opportunities. Yet, somehow… I have found myself with essentially zero close friends remaining and a significant amount of doubters among my so-called friends and family. I come from an extremely challenging childhood (from living in foster care to experiencing many types of abuse), thus you can imagine how important it is for me to prove statistics wrong. This article explains what I am facing to a T! I have built something out of NOTHING and yet, the hate seems to continue piling up. Thank you for writing this piece. It has truly made my day and given me a better perspective.<3
Same situation here, regarding the tough childhood as well. I think that it’s just an obstacle that we have to keep overcoming. For me, the people who are discouraging and try to sabotage remind me a lot of my dysfunctional family, so I think part of it is just the typical hate and another layer is the fact that there are probably things that you still have to heal from your childhood.
Good luck and I wish you well in your endeavors!
Good article Alex, i typed some people hate people with dreams in google and came across this artcile, i was searching for this cause i feel when i tell people that i am working on my dream or on something bigger in the beggining they get excited and ecnourage me but then i slowly see them go away from my life, i think it’s kinda what happened with Sol, another thing that happened that many people were good friends and really nice to me when i was having a hard time but when everything finally wen my way they were not that happy for me and they started to go away too.
Thank you for the Article.
Just keep plugging along Taha :-), do your best, work hard, and just keep going despite what they say.
“He lives in the gym”
“He’s an asshole”
“He’s a douche”
Heard it all. I just keep grinding and putting in the time at the gym thank to this article. Means a lot and thanks.
Happy to help Braden – and yes, I’ve heard them all too!
I am 5’8″, was 222 and size 18. Got fired from my job at the 37-pound weight-lost mark. I went on to lose 78 pounds, am now 155 and took the 1 off that size 18! And got my license for a great job that I love. And they are still miserable. Crabs in a bucket syndrome.
Congratulations D.L., this is amazing. How’d you stay focused when everyone else was criticizing you?
Thanks for this.
I’ve been working hard to start a business that very much embodies who I am… I surf, I am a designer, I create clothing for surfing. I’m passionate about it and it shows. I’ve have two friends who somehow have made my endeavor about them.
One friend who wanted to start a similar business and mentioned it in passing months before I decided to start mine. She never went forward with it. Once I developed my vision I decided to tell her I was starting my own business. She told me:
“You betrayed me.”, “You’re not who I thought you were.” “you are guilty. You are untrustworthy” “I don’t want to hear about it anymore, you need to stop talking to me now.”
I’m at a point where my vision for this brand has started to become its own being and I know that if she had put time and attention into her vision she would feel as I do right now, no insecurity in competition because there’s no way we could ever design the same clothing/business.
A second friend of mine was meant to participate in a photoshoot with my clothing line. When I took a sample photo of her and posted it to Instagram she immediately asked me to remove it. I removed it but I had to ask her if she was going to be comfortable with the photoshoot.
She was under the impression that she would be able to approve and edit photos before they would be posted. I had to be very forward with her and told her that that is not how it works… photos go to photographer for editing and straight to me, but that she is beautiful and would look great in the photos. I can be very direct when I know I need to have a productive conversation, she kept avoiding me and later told me that I bullied her, cornered her and hurt her feelings by not taking her suggestions.
I have had the feeling that they have both turned things around on me to make me feel bad. But, my vision is not a short term vision, its a 20 year vision for my future and I’ve decided that anyone that wants to take that away from me can kiss my ass. I’m not here to offend anyone, but I’m not here to yield myself, my goals, my life just to make someone else feel comfortable about theirs.
Thanks for your video. It was VERY helpful.
I am in a very similar situation. At nearly 50 years old I find my closest buddies are jealous and bitter towards me. I’m very sad. Grieving I guess. I used to think I had good friends.
Hi Alexander,
Googled “why do people resent other people?”
Your pschyological article came up. the situation for me was I had a regular sort of Tea time with a girlfriend, only we drank Red Wine instead. Then yesterday over the phone earlier, said, “I feel like I am handling my problems!” Then later when I was visiting she says the opposite, usually it
is here I poured you a glass already. Last night it was, “You know wine can give you a really bad headache.” Complete 180′ change in approach towards me. Obviously I did something wrong, taking on the challenge of selling my house and dealing with the R.E. people etc. But I have to do
this, It is a life goal. But some resent me.
Love hearing this A.B., sounds like things are going much better. Let me know how it goes.
I really needed this video today. Thank you so much. I will continue to be myself and shine and thrive. Of course other people are jealous of my happiness! I have so much at this moment (and I’ve worked really really hard for it, it’s been a journey and I’m in the butterfly stage after years of slogging through caterpillar moods and stages!) I planted seeds and watered and watered and watered and they’re all blooming! That’s the thing about life you can’t be jealous of someone else’s season and harvest the world is always changing I won’t be in as fruitful of a time forever or I wouldn’t grow or make way for the new. I don’t know why I was internalizing one persons passive aggressiveness so much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
It’s not easy to swim against the current Elizabeth…but you do what you have to do, right?
It won’t last That ship to will sink
Such a great and true article! I recently lost 20lbs. I was 155 to start and I’m 5’9, never overweight but I always knew I could do better and I was unhappy with the way I looked. I attempted to loose weight for years but always just lost and gained the same 5 lbs. After really looking into myself I got in touch with my emotions and realized I needed to stop binge drinking and eating late night (after drinking especially), in addition I needed to stop treating every date night dinner with my boyfriend as an excuse to eat until I was STUFFED because besides these above scenarios I ate pretty healthy although I ate when I was bored a lot. When I addressed these issues I slowly lost 20lbs over 7 months. People around me said I looked great before and now I was too thin and I shouldn’t loose any more weight. They said “I hope shes OK”. “We’re worried”. “You were never fat!”.
Yes I was now on the thin side but guess what? I feel amazing, I feel light and happy and daily tasks are more enjoyable. I no longer feel constant bloating and lots of my digestion issues went away. I feel comfortable in clothes. I dont have to worry if something makes me look big because I’m not big anymore. My quality of life has improved so much and with that I just learned to ignore the people trying to bring me down because its really their own insecurities speaking.
Hi there – I was googling why friends resent success and your article was one that came up. It’s hard to accept but people are rarely happy for you, if it reminds them of their own failure.
One thing I want to mention however, is that the “bystander effect” is a term already coined in human psychology. It is – ” is a social psychological phenomenon that refers to cases in which individuals do not offer any means of help to a victim when other people are present. The probability of help is inversely related to the number of bystanders. In other words, the greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that any one of them will help. ” So if there’s a person laying unconscious on a very busy sidewalk, lots of people walking past them – many people do not help simply because nobody else is. I just mentioned it because I was confused at first when I started reading.
Oh man, I just noticed that we have the same name (slightly different spelling) and we both talked about the bystander effect in psychology. xD
Please avoid calling this “the bystander effect.” These are NOT examples of the bystander effect, which is already a well-known phenomenon in psychology. Next time, please do more research and make sure you fully understand a concept before you start using names that have been around for years.
This is not the bystander effect from Psychology, it’s the bystander effect as coined by me, in reference to something different.
This is fact! My family was supportive when I was young and starting, Since then, I have had great success in most every way….and now they despise me, steal from me and they are a victims because i don’t give them their half of the money they think they are entitled too as they sit doing nothing…just for being family they think they are entitled to it. ….and no one has ever paid me back money they borrow from me…..but now I get it.
Thanks for the article! I got into really awesome shape last year & in the middle of that, I started sleeping with a supposed friend. Well on the last night I let that happen, he pretty much threatened to push me down the stairs in his apartment. Everything in my gut tells me that it was his envy & hatred that made him do that to me. I never thought jealousy could make somebody want to end my life. And now I have to live with that.
I’ve had so many things said to me over the years I don’t even know what was the worst thing. The worst people, though, we’re my family and friends turning on me. But I have my bachelor’s of science and they can’t stop what’s already been done. Hahahaha eat it jelly beans. Yeah people hate me way more since I graduated though, and they already wanted me dead. So I just lost a lot of people and said f it, I’ll claim I’m the one who’s changed and walk away from all their negative “you can’t do this you can’t do that” b.s.
I’ve had so many things said to me over the years I don’t even know what was the worst thing. The worst people, though, we’re my family and friends turning on me. But I have my bachelor’s of science and they can’t stop what’s already been done. Hahahaha eat it jelly beans. Yeah people hate me way more since I graduated though, and they already wanted me dead. So I just lost a lot of people and said f it, I’ll claim I’m the one who’s changed and walk away from all their negative “you can’t do this you can’t do that” b.s. Also when I got buff from working out I got accused of taking steroids because “girls can’t develop muscles like that” to which I respond 28 year olds are women, not girls.
I lost 25 pounds in 4 months and I weighed 150 im now down to 125 my so called friends are now starting to call me an asshole or a dick. When I know I havn’t been. It’s kinda getting to me. Im not quitting but it is really tough. How can I not let it get to me?
Hey Brayden,
The short answer? Try to hang out with more people who are motivated by your success.
I realize that no matter how good of a friend I am. Trying to get over a person’s jealousy who cannot do something with their life. Trying to help them has pushed me over to the edge. She was a friend of mine and made me really angry this time by going too personal and posting her problems with me on Facebook. Clearly, she has issues with me. I did not see the signs clearly till now. By now, I have to get rid of the fact that she will never be happy with what I have accomplished. She calls me best friend but never being one! She talked behind my back, called me names, use other people to get to me. Telling me I have issues. All 6 years of friendship gone in a second.
Well I lost my partners and long time friends and I’m still recovering from the fall out. I just lost more people and it’s very painful. I kind of disagree that average people can’t offer advice or rather support you. I got plenty of people that you’d call average or normal that want me to be healthy and pursue my dreams in my career and what kind of life I want. So not all people are like that some can be cheerleaders. I’m in the uk anyway. But yeah I even had my own family hate on me. It’s getting close to the holidays and I haven’t a clue what I’m going to do cos I lost so many people this last year just cos of this. And it’s crazy. It’s actually delayed my career and. Health goals cos of the actually abuse I had to endure in my relationships and with addictions issues and ADHD. So it’s been extremely hard for me but your right of course. I don’t have any choice but to pursue my career and dreams now cos I have nothing else left. And yes looking like a model or trying to being successful yeah people got to hate. It’s so bad I ended up in hospital from a drug relapse the other day. I hope nobody else has to go what I been through. and I hope I can rebuild my life and career now.
I failed to see the obvious signs of an envious friend. It all came to light when someone I loved died a horrible death and she did everything she could to tear me down even further while I was mourning this loss. No matter how much people show their hatred, their hatred does not remove the passion within us and that passion should always be our focus. As for being lonely, it helps to focus externally — helping at a local food shelter especially during holidays, tutoring at a youth center or, in my case, helping animals (they don’t talk behind my back when I leave the room).
Well people love it when you lose dirty laundry is alive and well kick them when they’re up kick them when their down kick them all around – That humans for you
I am starting to read these kinds of articles more because, as I approach 30, I am starting to pick up on certain “vibes,” let’s call them, from certain people. And I am also starting to notice a certain “trend” as to the kind of people I get these vibes from. I’ll explain.
I’m a black man who grew up in the inner-city (the hood), although I must admit I grew up with solid middle and nearly upper-middle class incomes, so I didn’t live a “struggle life.” Nonetheless, i moved out early and enjoyed the struggle of being young and poor and living wherever i could afford, working at McDonalds, etc. for a few years until i went to college, and so on. My dream since I was a child was to live in a foreign country.
Anyway, I moved into low income housing in college ON PURPOSE to save money, drove a shitty car forever, used clothes, use furniture, etc. I graduated and had saved 12k to go live abroad. OMFG the resentment from people, especially those who had children young (18 to 21 years old) almost makes me sick. I get so tired of hearing “i didn’t GET to go to…”, “that’s cool you GOT to do….” and “damn, n-word, everybody ain’t as LUCKY as you to GET to…” These are only a few of the examples.
And the crazy thing is these people will scream about not being able to afford to do this and that then pull out a $500 -$1000 telephone (!!!), have $200 in weave on their heads, and be driving a car that is CLEARLY out of their $12-an-hour-job price-range, an apartment with matching, brand new furniture in an area of town that is CLEARLY at the very tip top of their budget.” I sacrificed and damn near suffered to save up that $12k. But ask these people, i was “fortunate,” “blessed,” and “lucky”
Hahaha, I agree with this so much.
In college, to the ears of a girl I helped to raise her grades for 2 years:
” I just got accepted to the university! I am so happy!
– Oh well, you know, it won’t give you a career.
– But we are going to graduate in college together at the same time with the same degree. Don’t you think you can have a career?
– Yes for sure I can!
– So why is it that me having one more degree than you is going to prevent me from having a career?”
And then, I was an evil person thinking I am better than everybody. Because obviously, only losers attend universities.
The sad truth :/ This will happen, have to just embrace it and accept it.
No psychobabble psychology degree here – it’s not your grandads wisdom- but a normal Laymans terms – if you’re not happy you sure as heck you’re not gonna be happy for anybody else why would you be also happiness doesn’t last Life is a series of ups and downs like the stock market so if you’re happy and hunky-dory and everything is perfect that ship is going to sink and conversely if things are down not so great if you hang in there and keep the faith things will improve and things will go back up like the stock market nothing last forever but the earth and the sky and certainly happiness does not it can be fleeting they can be short-lived or it could be a little longer but one things for sure it will not last ! But if everything is great and perfect in your life and other people are struggling with theirs you really can’t expect happiness and support from those types of people because they’re not going to give it to you they have nothing to give so to sit there and complain all my life is perfect everything is so great and so on so is jealous and not supportive 😂 it is what it is- enjoy every moment of that happiness because it fades . Also I don’t subscribe to the BS theory that life is what you make it because everybody is not equipped with the same fortitude fortune and handles and I’m not just talking about the ones that are blessed with athleticism musical talent or being born into a wealthy family business I’m not talking about those types because that’s a given that they have much more chance to succeed then somebody that comes from a poor part of town although there are success stories in that area is too I’m simply talking about generalities here not specific isolated also I don’t subscribe to the BS theory that life is what you make it because everybody is not equipped with the same fortitude fortune and handles and I’m not just talking about the ones that are blessed with athleticism musical talent or being born into a wealthy family business I’m not talking about those types because that’s a given that they have much more chance to succeed and somebody that comes from a poor part of town although there are success stories in that area is too I’m simply talking about generalities here not specific isolated occurrences but not everybody is equipped with the same tools and I don’t subscribe to the BS that everybody is born equal either but as far as those people that are still concerned about family and friends that are not happy for their success that’s just life deal with it and move on and live your life let them live their‘s . But in all fairness don’t expect struggling people who are not happy to be happy for you and always remember that people love you when you lose dirty laundry and they will kick you when you’re up and they will kick you when you’re down and they will kick you all around people want to see you do good yes they just don’t want you to be better than them!
I love you. I’m very close to success right now. I’ve been offered a great job that allows me to pursue my dreams but my colleagues only hear the “chinese company” part and have decided it’s dodgy. I’ve given very truthful criticism of my work place. It has not landed well but it’s better to present the words to head office and try, than to never say them.
I even had personnel manager stare me down and tell me how she has an army of health advisers at her disposal and a psychology degree which got zero reaction out of me. I don’t think I’ll make it through tomorrow without an epic walk out. I’ve been autonomous for a few weeks and so far out of plato’s cave it’s insane but all the ones left behind see is deceit.
Even telling them my job is with the 4th top steel company in the world does not calm them down. Tommorow will be the most intense day of my life.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the people I know (I won’t call them friends, I don’t think I really have many friends – mayyybe 4 or so and that includes my Mum and husband) want me to fail.
I get it, it’s sad but still, I get it. Other people’s success is, in a way, a mirror of other people’s failure. That’s not actually how I see it personally, I root for my friends who are talented and going for their dreams, why wouldn’t I, I’m damn sure going for mine.
But I do feel like most people, who aren’t going for their dreams, so yea that’s ahh most people, they seem to see my talents and drive for success as a reflection of their lack of those attributes.
All in all I’m at a point of pretty bitter about it. Just reading lots of articles like this. It’s a common topic and lots written about it. So that really helps. Thanks for your article. I’m just going to keep plugging on 🙂
Regards,
A Future Leading Streetwear Designer